Where did this go wrong?
 

So I'm sitting in a cage wearing a hood. It's dark, uncomfortable and I'm just about getting enough air. Mistress approaches, makes a threat and calls me names. Now humiliation is always a hard limit for me because it kills the mood for me, but I accept that it's normal for most so I say "Would you check my limits please."

She disappears briefly and returns, saying "I'm not doing anything outside your limits, now you're going to pay for that, you pathetic little shit" or words to that effect and starts zapping with a cattle prod.

To which I reply "Please don't carry on down this path." and she says "I can't hear you, speak up." So I say, as clearly as I can wearing a hood and in a small cage that means my neck is bent, "don't escalate this, it won't end well". And then I get more verbal and physical abuse, so I shout, "Red. I'm using my safeword now."

She doesn't stop and I have a bit of a sense of humour failure.

I'm struggling to work this out. Her response is just, "well I didn't hear you use a safeword". Part of me is thinking it's my fault for not expressing my limits clearly, part of me thinks I should report a sexual assault to the Police to stop it happening to someone else. The right answer is somewhere between those two extremes. It's hard to let someone know your expectations without topping from the bottom, even harder in a pro-dom session where the pro doesn't want to engage in lengthy email
conversations.

Matter, Mind, or Money ?
 

Just to clarify your position; was it only the humiliation limit that was exceeded (or ignored), or was there a limit on pain and electro-prods that was also exceeded ?

Breaking limits can result in physical assault, or just result in an unsatisfactory session that fails to deliver the expected perverse pleasure. One is physical abuse whilst the other is verbal-contractual abuse.

I have never had the misfortune to experience my physical limits being broken without consent but with similar limits on verbal humiliation I have nonetheless had a bad session where the Mistress was just unable to refrain from being what (I could only presume) was her natural sweary uncouth self.

This latter experience only happened the once and I simply elected to learn from the event and to never return*. Others must have had similar thinking because her professional persona was very short lived.

If you have very hard limits then never attend a session unless confirmation has been received in text or e-mail that they are to be respected. If communication is generally not good then do not make the booking. This latter point has been hard learned by myself.

Do not worry about ‘topping from the bottom’, this can be a smoke screen for poor intent. Your money is hard earned and you have a duty to spend it wisely, which is something a sincere Mistress will appreciate and allow for. If, for example, you have a fetish for an item (or lack) of clothing and a Mistress does not permit clothing requests because she sees it as T’ing from the B then just walk further along the counter to see what else is on offer from elsewhere.

Also, do not forget that when you first approach a Mistress you politely approach as equals seeking a common point of embarkation. There is at this point no ‘Top’ and no ‘Bottom’...other than the bottoms that need spanking and squeezing.

Kind Regards,
The Fireman.

* Even as I left her premises at the end she shouted down the public hallway of her tower block...”You useless F*CKING C*NT !!!!”. She had anger management issues, and she also had not a care for the sensibilities of her neighbours. The two I strongly suspect were a result of reality failing to meet the arrogance induced from that snorting powder of which some morons partake.

This was a long time ago and there appears to be much better professionalism in the scene nowadays. The professionalism is a double edged instrument though and can also produce a more anodyne ‘average’ experience. The lows are truncated, but then so are the highs.

Initially only the humiliation limit, and I'd agree that it's just a bad session at that point.

Once I'd called safeword, I think it reasonable to expect the cattle prod to stop too.

Difficult one.

I'd have thought physical assault would be quite hard to prove in this sort of case. Bit of a "he said, she said" thing. And I guess she could just say well that's what he wanted.

The striking (sorry) thing about this - to me - is that you used your safe word and plain language (please don't carry on down this path etc) which, I'd have thought, to most folks would have been a sign to stop. My impression is that in safeword scenes if the sub was in the zone they would be much more likely to be shouting out the traditional stuff like "mercy mistress" etc than a polite request to desist.

I assume that this was your first time with this lady. Is she well known and long standing (please no names). It sounds, from the outside looking in that she may be a bit newer.

Without knowing the pre session discussions it's hard to judge but, on the face of it, I'd say it's more on her than you. Personally, I don't believe that giving a list of hard limits (particularly to a new domme) is topping from the bottom. For it to be a success both sides have to enjoy it - and I see no joy in what you went through.

Whilst pro Dommes will often say "will not engage in emails" etc to prevent fantasists pestering them, usually on a first visit for a session they want to know what experience level and limits you have. Not to do this and respect the limits certainly on the first visit means they risk not having a repeat client.

Topping from the bottom difficult concept when you are the paying client, but my experience is I agree with the Mistress a service for a fee based on her terms of business, during the "playtime" the rolls and activities are what we agreed. Sounds contractual but in reality is not as formal as it sounds.

I always think it's difficult to get a really good session first up. There is the getting to know you, some nervousness, some interpretation etc.

I do wonder whether expectations are higher, too. When I started out it was very in and out often on the same day. Now there is the planning, pre session contact, looking at websites etc which does increase both the tension and the hopes.

These days, also, I get the impression of more one mistress subs around. Is it that the "average" sessions you refer to are more from the mistress "hoppers" ( nothing wrong with that way of sessioning, I hasten to add!)

I don't know if the lady is new or not, she's young but then everyone under 30 looks young these days. She's got a slick website. Can't really tell you much more without revealing who it is. And let's not revisit the no negative reviews issue.

I will admit to a certain amount of "hopping"and hoping. Partly that's because I tend to seek out more extreme experiences, partly it's because it's so damn hard to make appointments, partly it's because I mostly play with friends and not pros. I've been trying to cultivate a relationship with one pro dom, who is great in session but a nightmare outside, but after six months of trying gave up.

Definitely re the no negative reviews topic!

I suppose I thought it possible that if she was newish she might be a bit more "acting the role" that she thought was required and not so aware of some sensibilities. Doesn't excuse missing the safeword, though. When used, they are important especially on a first meeting. You've (the domme) got to be looking and listening for it all the time.

Completely not digging out the "hoppers". I totally get why some subs like that way of sessioning I was just ruminating on SR's average session comments.

What sort of pre session communication did you have? Both before the day and on the day?

Over 20 years ago now I had a bad experience where I was beaten without a safe word and no way of stopping it I made the mistake of not moving on and putting it in the past. it's never happen since so it must be rare please don't fall into my trap.

I think you're right on acting and getting stuck in the role. I don't believe any malice was intended, at least not until I had my "don't ignore safeword" moment.

The role play involved no immediate pre-session talk, as part of the agreed role. Pre-session was a tick box cane yes/no, marks yes/no form. Some more pre-session comms would have helped. That was discouraged, which leaves you with an unfair impression, but to say more would identify the website.

Ho hum, will try not to let it get to me.