Seeing a Mistress vs seeing a therapist

[Mistress Esme]

I hear you dude. It's a conversation that could literally go on forever. It's also not as black and white as the OP thinks.

Originally Posted by geordiesouth

Perhaps that last bit is another argument altogether.
Perhaps we could lead on to other parts of the debate and suggest if there were no pro doms to visit. Then people would be happier in their relationships.
No enticement, no urge.

Load of rubbish of course.
I meant what I said not what our Mistress Esme said.

I get the idea that what Oggy suggests is partnerships or marital relationships viewed through rose tinted glasses.
Ok to play away if your single but not when your supposed to be monogamous.

Or have I got that wrong again.
I do sometimes.

I recall it was four years ago this week I got something wrong.
Hard to believe I know. But hey. I’m not perfect.

[geordiesouth]

Originally Posted by Mistress Esme

I hear you dude. It's a conversation that could literally go on forever. It's also not as black and white as the OP thinks.

DUDE !!!!

Oh my gorgeous wonderful mistress.
I remember when I was a dude.
The Bowie haircut, black velvet jacket and........ well. Best not create an image that might offend.

[chris4slavery]

I like the idea more of a Governess than a "therapist".
Instead of "you poor thing, I going to help you get cured of xyz", more
"I'm going to beat the daylights out of you so hard, u won't even dream of doing it again".
All under the guise of "you know this is for your own good".

Governesses were after all behavioural therapists, just pretty terrifying ones!

[chris4slavery]

Originally Posted by Ogden McNit

It might make him a better carer, but whether it makes him a better husband is a completely separate matter.



It goes without saying. Lying to your partner and lying in general is not good for long term mental health. Stress, deceit and guilt can lead to anxiety and poor sleep. Lies can pile up and become exhausting, whereas transparency feels good and can be liberating. Unless you're a pathological liar or a psychopath I suppose, in which case you probably wouldnt care.

I'm talking about big lies by the way, such as covering up something essential to yourself, rather than little lies like saying someone's cooking is delicious when it isnt, which we all do to some extent.

Personally I cannot live with the guilt of secretly seeing Mistresses when I'm in a vanilla relationship any more. I would consider it infidelity and know it would eat away at me. The 'withholding information' strategy is not a serious option for me either. So I either abstain from seeing Mistresses indefinitely, or come clean and ask for her blessing (asking a lot!).

The itch to session is non-existent, but if it did arise therapy would be something I would definitely consider.

This is straying into a separate topic from the the OP, but how do other members in vanilla relationships reconcile the two?



They get on because they are pathological liars, narcissists and/or sociopaths and probably don't lose a wink of sleep. Karma normally gets them in the end though.

I see it as "ask no questions, tell no lies".

Its a tricky one. Firstly, what you don't know literally doesn't hurt you IF its locked away. Second, admitting it is like taunting and cucking your other half. Third, bdsm is "a disgusting shameful secret I couldn't bear to be exposed for". I wouldn't want a Domme as a wife, nor would my gfs want to Domme me. The fact its a "shameful secret" is actually whats so appealing to me.

I have friends who are married to Dommes and sub girls. But TBH I don't understand how it can correspond with a serious vanilla relationship. Many women would lose all respect for their man if they heard what he enjoyed in bdsm etc, and a divorve would ensue.

I'm a different person with friends in the pub, with work colleagues and enemies to the person I am with my gf. She doesn't want or need to know about how I need/wish to be elsewhere. Because they aren't "that" me.

And the fact is, long business trips would be very boring without some "recreation". Its the perk of the job. Wives and gfs know it, but they don't need it rubbed in their faces, or for business trips to stop!

PS I'm also a little confused about the dual standards of morality from some Dommes. Tell them you have a mrs and you can see their minor disgust below the surface, outside of session. How many men do they honestly think they would session with if those with a gf or wife didn't session?

[Mistress Esme]

Wow! What a shameful existence you have. I am a mistress outside of the dungeon, therefore, I have needs which need to be met elsewhere. I prefer my men sub and frankly the sex is better. I wouldn't date a vanilla man! I don't know many pro/lifestyle ladies who do. Many of us have husbands or long-time partners. So there is a very serious vanilla element to our lives which we share. Maybe the so-called look of disgust is due to your attitude and the way you view women.

Originally Posted by chris4slavery

I see it as "ask no questions, tell no lies".

Its a tricky one. Firstly, what you don't know literally doesn't hurt you IF its locked away. Second, admitting it is like taunting and cucking your other half. Third, bdsm is "a disgusting shameful secret I couldn't bear to be exposed for". I wouldn't want a Domme as a wife, nor would my gfs want to Domme me. The fact its a "shameful secret" is actually whats so appealing to me.

I have friends who are married to Dommes and sub girls. But TBH I don't understand how it can correspond with a serious vanilla relationship. Many women would lose all respect for their man if they heard what he enjoyed in bdsm etc, and a divorve would ensue.

I'm a different person with friends in the pub, with work colleagues and enemies to the person I am with my gf. She doesn't want or need to know about how I need/wish to be elsewhere. Because they aren't "that" me.

And the fact is, long business trips would be very boring without some "recreation". Its the perk of the job. Wives and gfs know it, but they don't need it rubbed in their faces, or for business trips to stop!

PS I'm also a little confused about the dual standards of morality from some Dommes. Tell them you have a mrs and you can see their minor disgust below the surface, outside of session. How many men do they honestly think they would session with if those with a gf or wife didn't session?

[chris4slavery]

Originally Posted by Mistress Esme

Wow! What a shameful existence you have. I am a mistress outside of the dungeon, therefore, I have needs which need to be met elsewhere. I prefer my men sub and frankly the sex is better. I wouldn't date a vanilla man! I don't know many pro/lifestyle ladies who do. Many of us have husbands or long-time partners. So there is a very serious vanilla element to our lives which we share. Maybe the so-called look of disgust is due to your attitude and the way you view women.

Calm down Mistress Esme, no need to sjambok the skin off my back, just yet! : D Anyway, thanks for Your post, its very interesting.

I say "shameful" because there's nothing wrong with it per se. Its just I would be ashamed of it if my friends, family, colleagues and gf knew what my bdsm interests are.

Just because I want to do something in private it doesn't mean I'm duty bound to shout it from the rooftops to everyone. We're naturally different characters with different people. And doesn't the BDSM community value privacy?

I've no doubt that people CAN have vanilla and bdsm elements to a single relationship. But I can't understand how it works, for instance, with my friends who are (as far as I know vanilla in terms of power) but like BDSM as an "extra curricular" pursuit. Maybe thats why the role of the prodomme is so popular ie people compartmentalise it all. Additionally there is the fact that many women tell me they consider submales an absolute nono.

Its also slightly different for Dommes because they are considered powerful and "empowered". Whereas sub men are considered "weak" and therefore undersirable to non-Domme women. (I think that would be particularly so of a male who enjoys my own degrading and humiliating sessions). So I don't think its my prejudices, I'm merely reacting to other people's views - esp women's views. If You want to be a Domme in your private life, I've never said You shouldn't! But I notice many Dommes have Dom husbands (even where They sub) or pure vanilla husbands too.

Finally I absolutely love BDSM, in many ways far more than ordinary sex. I say in "many ways" because ordinary sex is great too. I absolutely drool over a commanding, bullying Mistress. I just don't want to wake up with her, or get yelled at/slapped in the face by one with my friends, staff or mother watching.

Likewise, boot on the other foot, I wouldn't be able to get my head around the idea of having an extreme sub girlfriend. By that I mean, having her crying and begging and utterly broken one minute, then having a standard dynamic an hour later.

BTW my BDSM preferences are harsh, scary, painful, extremely humiliating, degrading, bullying, even traumatic. Its not the sort of thing I'd want hanging over my head 24-7.

I'm not sure what You think my attitude is, or what You think my view of women is. I'm not criticising You. Seriously, I'm very interested as to any impressions you have.
Kind regards chris.

[Slutty Rimmer]

Originally Posted by chris4slavery

Just because I want to do something in private it doesn't mean I'm duty bound to shout it from the rooftops to everyone.

Ohhh, if only more people understood this !

We don’t want to know everything about everybody, I admire doubt and uncertainty. Light and shade are needed for a complete tonal picture.

Kind Regards,
The Fireman.

[Mistress Esme]

Nowhere in my post did I mention the need to share ones kinky interest with the world. I think you misunderstand my post. Sharing vanilla aspects with a partner is not the same as sharing it with friends and family. You also seem to think that we go around slapping our men 24/7. That is not realistic! Your idea of what being in a D/s relationship would be like is hugely flawed.

Originally Posted by chris4slavery

Calm down Mistress Esme, no need to sjambok the skin off my back, just yet! : D Anyway, thanks for Your post, its very interesting.

I say "shameful" because there's nothing wrong with it per se. Its just I would be ashamed of it if my friends, family, colleagues and gf knew what my bdsm interests are.

Just because I want to do something in private it doesn't mean I'm duty bound to shout it from the rooftops to everyone. We're naturally different characters with different people. And doesn't the BDSM community value privacy?

I've no doubt that people CAN have vanilla and bdsm elements to a single relationship. But I can't understand how it works, for instance, with my friends who are (as far as I know vanilla in terms of power) but like BDSM as an "extra curricular" pursuit. Maybe thats why the role of the prodomme is so popular ie people compartmentalise it all. Additionally there is the fact that many women tell me they consider submales an absolute nono.

Its also slightly different for Dommes because they are considered powerful and "empowered". Whereas sub men are considered "weak" and therefore undersirable to non-Domme women. (I think that would be particularly so of a male who enjoys my own degrading and humiliating sessions). So I don't think its my prejudices, I'm merely reacting to other people's views - esp women's views. If You want to be a Domme in your private life, I've never said You shouldn't! But I notice many Dommes have Dom husbands (even where They sub) or pure vanilla husbands too.

Finally I absolutely love BDSM, in many ways far more than ordinary sex. I say in "many ways" because ordinary sex is great too. I absolutely drool over a commanding, bullying Mistress. I just don't want to wake up with her, or get yelled at/slapped in the face by one with my friends, staff or mother watching.

Likewise, boot on the other foot, I wouldn't be able to get my head around the idea of having an extreme sub girlfriend. By that I mean, having her crying and begging and utterly broken one minute, then having a standard dynamic an hour later.

BTW my BDSM preferences are harsh, scary, painful, extremely humiliating, degrading, bullying, even traumatic. Its not the sort of thing I'd want hanging over my head 24-7.

I'm not sure what You think my attitude is, or what You think my view of women is. I'm not criticising You. Seriously, I'm very interested as to any impressions you have.
Kind regards chris.

[jon123]

I have no particular emotional interest in either concealing or revealing my sexual history 'in the real world'. There are significant practical issues, but that is all they are.

The great emotional problem I had was 'falling in love' with a PD, and that was something I could not share with anyone (except anonymously on these boards). Recently it has been a great emotional release to become friends with another PD (who is also retired), and to find the one person who I could talk to honestly and would understand how I felt about the first. I still see both - (emotional DD, hey) - but the second friend, the one I like and not the one I love, is definitely the therapist, and I think she finds that role interesting (though obviously this role is not the main part of the friendship). The role of the first I cannot describe, probably because there is not one.

[geordiesouth]

Originally Posted by jon123

I have no particular emotional interest in either concealing or revealing my sexual history 'in the real world'. There are significant practical issues, but that is all they are.

The great emotional problem I had was 'falling in love' with a PD, and that was something I could not share with anyone (except anonymously on these boards). Recently it has been a great emotional release to become friends with another PD (who is also retired), and to find the one person who I could talk to honestly and would understand how I felt about the first. I still see both - (emotional DD, hey) - but the second friend, the one I like and not the one I love, is definitely the therapist, and I think she finds that role interesting (though obviously this role is not the main part of the friendship). The role of the first I cannot describe, probably because there is not one.

Ooooooooohhhhhhh !!!!


Doesntbit just wanna make you know who ???